


Attractiveness Evaluation Squad

by Quipstaff



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexuality, Hot Or Not Game, Humor, In-universe shipping, Multi, Post-Time Skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:39:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22280434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quipstaff/pseuds/Quipstaff
Summary: Five years after graduating the Academy, there's a class reunion. Hilda and Dorothea end up discussing how they'd rate the attractiveness of their former peers: hot or not? They also do a little theoretical matchmaking along the way.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 58





	Attractiveness Evaluation Squad

**Author's Note:**

> Thinking about Hilda's incredibly bi energy and Dorothea being canonically incredibly bi, and taking a break from my longer WIPs, I ended up with this fic. It's basically just one long conversation. I tried to keep it light and fun rather than wholly objectifying, considering the premise.
> 
> It's set in a "The War Straight Up Never Happened" AU. Assume everyone's post-timeskip appearances are the same, though (with the exception of Dimitri, who never lost an eye and has his New Game Plus hair option), as I was too lazy to describe everyone.

Hilda tapped her chin as she leaned with her elbows on the table behind her, sitting facing the wrong direction on the bench, looking at who Dorothea had just pointed out. "Mmm, if you'd asked me five years ago, I would have said a five, _maybe_ six, but now? Nine."

Dorothea raised her eyebrows, her legs folded up underneath her as she sat beside Hilda. "You think Lorenz is a nine? I mean, I understand his hair is _so_ much better now but… I don't know, I've got to dock points for his obsession with nobility. Six. Maybe seven, because he's less snobby about commoners."

"Well, that's not a problem for me," said Hilda, half-joking. 

It was a class reunion, and the reception hall was full of Academy Graduates. They'd been trickling in all week, but that afternoon had a very casual mixer and everyone was finally in the same room. 

Dorothea and Hilda had started out catching up as they both sat down to rest their feet, but after a while of talking about how much better looking everyone was, they'd somehow fell into playing a game. 

Who was attractive? One to ten, one for "nope, not for me", ten for "absolutely stunning". Personality and preferences counted, of course, it wasn't all about an improved haircut. And they could disagree on the ratings, that was part of the fun, but the point was less to persuade the other to change their mind rather than to highlight the differences in their taste.

Hilda scanned the room for the next target. "Oh look, there's Ferdinand. What's with the hair?"

"What's wrong with the hair?" Dorothea cupped her cheek in a hand. "I think Ferdie looks good with those magnificent flowing locks." She did say that with a hint of irony. 

"I don't know, six," said Hilda, "since he's so eager to please. Seven if he brushes his hair better. Oh! Or we could brush it for him, that sounds fun."

Dorothea observed him for a moment and shook her head. "I'm going to say eight."

"What?" Hilda looked over at her, a faux-incredulous expression on her face. "Why doesn't Ferdinand get docked points for his overwhelming nobleness?" 

"He said some very nice things to me yesterday," said Dorothea, cheeks going pink. "And actually, I already docked him. Oh look, there's Edie."

Hilda and Dorothea both looked over at Edelgard, who stood talking to Ferdinand, her red outfit tightly cinched at the waist, making her figure striking and standout, with ornamental horns in her hair that gave her a simultaneously regal and dangerous aesthetic. 

"Ten," said Hilda without a shred of doubt. 

"Absolutely a ten," said Dorothea with a wistful sigh. 

They spotted Hubert staring at them as they very obviously checked Edelgard out, and they both quickly tore their gazes away. Neither of them said it aloud, but Hubert was a skip. He would absolutely find out somehow and regardless of how they rated him, they wanted to wake up in the morning, alive and well. 

"Oh hey, there's Caspar and Linhardt!" Hilda grinned, watching Caspar throw an arm around Linhardt's shoulder. "I'm thinking… eight for Caspar, four for Linhardt."

"An eight for Caspar? Are you kidding me?" Dorothea held a hand to her chest, exaggerating her shock. "You got it completely backwards. Linhardt is an eight, Caspar is a four, maybe five. Just look at how much more flattering Linhardt presents himself now."

"Okay, but I'd never be able to make Linhardt do _anything_ ," insisted Hilda, "I have to rank him low on principle. But don't you think Caspar is cute? He's just so cheerful and energetic all the time, I love it." Under her breath she added, "But maybe I'll dock him a point for thinking I wanted to move furniture yesterday…" 

Dorothea shook her head. "But that just makes him seem like such a little brother type to me. If his own brother wasn't such a piece of work, I'd marry him just to make Caspar my little brother for real."

Hilda laughed. "That would be pretty cute, I gotta admit."

Dorothea spotted Petra and nudged Hilda. "Nine?" 

"I don't know, maybe an eight. She's nice in her own way but maybe not for me."

"She's a huge sweetheart, and surprisingly funny," insisted Dorothea, smiling softly. "And she's a princess. Actually, I'm going to say ten."

"I'm staying with eight but let me know if you need a wingman for later," Hilda said with a wink. "Oh hey, there's Marianne and Lysithea. Marianne's a ten, of course, obviously -" 

"Obviously?" Dorothea eyed Hilda, her smile shifting from sincere to teasing. 

"Why don't you think it's obvious? She's so sweet and pretty that _I'm_ willing to do things for _her_ …" Hilda sighed, smiling, leaning her head in her hand. "I'm glad she seems to be happier than in school."

"Do you want me to pass on a note for you? 'Hey Marianne, do you like Hilda, yes or no?'" 

"Shh," said Hilda, less because it was necessary - they were already speaking quietly - and more because she was embarrassed, "Keep your voice down!" 

"Okay, what about Lysithea? She's cute but so young…" 

"She'd be really mad if she heard you say that," said Hilda, "And she's grown a lot since the academy! Eight, for sure, but maybe not for me. Her and Cyril would be cute, though."

They had already passed on Cyril on the grounds of 'too weird'. 

Dorothea also privately thought that she wanted someone to be with her her whole life, and Lysithea wasn't the best choice for that  
Although apparently her, Hanneman and Linhardt had made great strides in the past few years in Crest research. Dorothea didn't want the game to get so serious, however, and rating Lysithea low for something like that felt cruel. It didn't really keep things lighthearted and joking like the rest of the ratings. 

Also a bit weird age wise too, even if Lysithea was an adult now. "Still, pass. But do you want to see if Cyril's interested in her later?" 

Hilda clenched her fists in enthusiasm. "Matchmaking time!" 

Dimitri and Dedue came into view. 

"Wow, what happened to Dimitri? He went from a five to a nine, but like, in a sideways way." 

His hair was longer but it was swept up in the tiniest little ponytail. It was a bit messy but cute. 

"Yeah, and he's a king, so I'll agree with nine."

They watched him talk to Dedue for a moment, smiling up at his vassal with a bit of a blush on his cheeks. Hilda and Dorothea shared a 'you see it too, right?' look.

"Okay, I'm going to cheat and ignore the rules for a second," said Hilda, with undoubtedly full awareness that the game didn't have rules other than 'don't make it weird', "and say that if I were Dimitri, Dedue would be an eleven."

"Strong but gentle, amazing cook, very cute once you get past his resting tough face," said Dorothea, agreeing, "But absolutely devoted to Dimitri. Eleven for Dimi, unratable for anyone who doesn't want to share."

They watched Ashe come up and speak to the two other Kingdom former-students, chatting with the two of them with a spreading blush under his freckles.

"Ashe would definitely be willing to share," said Hilda, eyebrows raised. 

"I could see that. By the way, Ashe? Hm, seven. He's cute."

"Seven," Hilda agreed, "Though he's also good at cooking too, and the freckles… Eight."

"If him and Dedue got together, I'd go to _all_ their dinner parties."

"For sure," said Hilda, already looking for the next subject. "Would Flayn be weird?" 

They both looked over at Flayn, speaking to Seteth. They'd already agreed to leave the older generation out of it, since they all looked exactly the same, but then, so did Flayn. 

"It's been five years so there's no way she's fourteen, but…" Hilda hesitated. 

"She looks like she's fourteen, yeah," said Dorothea. "That's not her fault, though."

They watched her a moment. 

Solemnly, Dorothea made the call. "Seteth would kill us."

"Oh, absolutely, we'd be murdered."

"Pass?"

"Pass."

Their eyes scanned the room. Leonie was talking to Ignatz and Raphael, who was devouring a steak bare-handed. Dorothea winced. 

"Oh, Ignatz grew up _nice_ ," said Hilda, "Seven, except he's so sweet and his art's great, so eight. Raphael's so dumb but adorable, six."

"I don't know, Iggy's a bit timid for me," said Dorothea, "Five for him. Right in the middle. I'm going to rate Raph when he's finished eating, ew."

"Leonie could be an eight if she shut up about Jeralt for once," sighed Hilda, "She's so willing to do work and she's got a rough kind of charm."

"Raph and Leonie are both struggling to make ends meet," said Dorothea, "I've unfortunately got to give Leonie a five and Raph a four. But they'd be cute together, don't you think?" 

"I was just thinking Leonie and _Ignatz_ would be cute together," said Hilda. 

They watched them for a moment.

"Iggy and Raph would be a good match as well, they've got that childhood friend thing going on too."

"They could all share," declared Hilda, as if she had the authority to decide such things, "Next."

"Sylvain, Ingrid and Felix are over there." Dorothea nudged Hilda in that direction. "My Ingrid gets a ten, she's always been a ten."

"Ingrid's so stiff, though! Six. And Sylvain makes me feel like if he played this game, he'd make it gross so fast."

Dorothea had to admit, thinking about him doing this made her feel guilty. "Let's not tell him. Seven for him."

"Eh, four. His face can't save him from his weird thing with women. Now Felix has the same problem in a different way."

Dorothea nodded. "He's so pretty."

"He's _so_ pretty. Easily the best looking boy. But his personality is like a dog that won't stop yapping at the door."

"Except there's always someone actually at the door, so he's not barking at nothing…"

"Yeah, but a girl needs sleep." Hilda yawned as if to make the point. "Six."

"I don't know, his whole 'I'm aloof but deep down I actually like you' has a certain kind of charm… Eight."

"I still think that would be way too much effort." Hilda's gaze shifted. "Okay, Mercedes and Annette."

Dorothea hummed. "Mercedes is a nine. She's sweet, nice, would definitely take care of me, but I got to dock a point for having to share her with the Goddess."

"She's pretty cute," said Hilda, "I'm going to say eight, but Annette is a total ten."

"Ten? Really? She's cute but almost too cute, you know? She tries too hard. Seven."

"No! That's the appeal! I _love_ adorable, energetic people. I'm sticking with ten."

They paused, scanning the room. 

"I feel like we've missed someone."

"Let's see, we skipped Cyril, Flayn and Hubie, and I skipped Lysithea…" Dorothea counted on her fingers, trying to remember. "We did Lorenz and Ferdie, Edie, Caspar and Lin…"

"Where's Bernadetta? Did she even come back to Garreg Mach?" 

"Oh, she's here but she's locked herself in her guest room and won't come out. She's a seven, though, trust me."

"I dunno, not showing up kinda disqualifies her in my book. I haven't even _seen_ her yet."

Dorothea could accept that, and shrugged. She herself knew Bern was super adorable. 

Hilda leaned forward, tapping her chin. "We're still missing someone, though, aren't we? Who else did we do?" 

"Dimitri, Dedue, Ashe, we've done," Dorothea said, thinking back, "Leonie, Iggy and Raph…"

"And Sylvain, Felix and Ingrid, and Mercedes and Annette last -" 

"We're definitely missing someone," said Dorothea, "Aside from ourselves."

"We're both tens," said Hilda with satisfaction. Then she gasped, half-standing to look around. "Claude! Where's Claude?"

Dorothea looked over the hall. She didn't see that telltale gold anywhere. "Where _is_ Claude?" 

"Marking myself as an eleven from both of you."

The girls jumped and looked around, where Claude was carefully writing down two numbers on a piece of paper, sitting on the other end of the table with his back against the wall. 

" _Claude!_ " Hilda huffed. "How long have you been there?!" 

"Since you did Lorenz." The dastard even had the audacity to wink. He showed off his paper. "I've been keeping score for you."

"Don't write them _down_." Dorothea tried to grab the paper but he pulled it out of reach. 

"Nope, I'm keeping this as blackmail, unless you want people to know what you really think."

Both young women protested and tried to get the sheet as Claude kept it tantalizingly out of their hands. 

"Wait," said Hilda, pausing and squinting at it, "There's three columns on that sheet."

Claude glanced at it, making sure to turn the page around so they couldn't see the writing anymore. "Very observant, Hilda. I wonder whose rankings those could be…?"

Hilda started to climb over the table. "Show me what you gave me, Claude, I swear to the Goddess -" 

Dorothea moved around to block Claude's exit. "Let's corner him."

Claude nodded calmly. "Ladies, we can work this out, we just need to -" and before he finished his sentence he vaulted himself over the table and slid past Hilda, before taking off at a sprint. 

Hilda and Dorothea immediately gave chase, darting through the startled class reunion. 

"Claude, get back here!" 

"Claude, just show us your list!" 

"No can do, sorry!" 

"Claude!"


End file.
